Sunday, March 31, 2013

Is this a G.I. f'n JOKE?

So G.I. Joe: Retaliation has FINALLY come out and I, for one, ran out to watch it! Was that a "good" idea? ... In a word? - No. In fact, the term "good idea" cannot be attributed in ANY way to ANYTHING involved with this movie.

The film was originally slated to come out last summer, but for undisclosed reasons, the release date for Retaliation got pushed back. That's RARELY an encouraging sign for a movie, but I'm 95% sure it had mostly to do with the cross-promotional advertising exposure they had at their disposal, with the star, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, also headlining WWE Wrestlemania 29 next Sunday.

The story was convoluted and ridiculous. Cobra replaced the President of the U.S. with Zartan, the master of disguise, and he orders the extermination of G.I. Joe, branding them as criminals. The surviving members of the Joe team, led by "the Rock" as Roadblock, now have to uncover the conspiracy and liberate the U.S. government that doesn't even know it has been compromised.

Not enough for ya? Well Cobra also has to mount their own rescue for an imprisoned Cobra Commander, Snake Eyes is on his own mission to capture Storm Shadow and make him answer for his crimes, and on top of that, Cobra has a crazy new super weapon that they're using in tandem with their governmental control in order to bring the entire WORLD to its' knees ...

It felt like 10 separate movies strung together, with all of it just being "uhg". Couldn't care less about anything that was happening. Each character was completely (and literally) summed up in one monologue a piece, explaining their background and their motivation ... Or they did absolutely nothing (Flint may just be the WORST action movie character of all time). You'd think the fight scenes could save it? You'd be wrong. Terrible, and exhausting, and boring ... And don't get me started on Jinx ... and also the shittiness of RZA being in this movie ... for some reason ...

Was there ANYTHING good? Well, "the Rock" was fine, I guess. He always brings a good energy to whatever he's doing. And new addition to team Cobra, the explosives expert, Firefly, had some ok moments ... But, yeah. That's all that can be said for it.

the rating system:

  • Loved it - one of the best movies I've seen in a long time and worth every cent of the ticket price. I can't state enough how much u need to go see this movie ...

  • Liked it - it was an enjoyable flick for the most part and I'm glad I watched it. Will I run out to buy it when released on video? ... Probably not.

  • Leave it - ranging from the truly forgettable to the "wait a minute ... that didn't make any sense" in the 1st 5 minutes after I leave the theater. Basically - a whole lotta nothin.

  • Loathed it - a movie that literally makes me ANGRY after I exit and for days and weeks after. Angry that I wasted my time and money, and angry that such a piece of shit was ever made and that people actually received payment to do so.

  • Loathed it. Easy.

    Almost NONE of the name talent from the 1st film were present in this sequel, and you can see why. The G.I. Joe world has TONS of characters to make use of, and they used like NONE of them. The direction was sloppy ... Even the costuming was a wasted effort ...

    For those who thought the first G.I. Joe flick was "lacking" in many capacities, this one makes the former look like a work of art. Its a shame too. "A sequel to a campy action movie based off an 80's cartoon" ... I mean, the bar was ALREADY set fairly low. It should have been child's play to exceed expectations and pull off at least a modest - "fun and enjoyable enough" experience ... Not even close.

    But, now you know ... And knowing is likely to save you some time and cash in the long run.

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    1 comment:

    1. Lol. Said they had to shoot more scenes with Channing Tatum since he was the main guy in GI Joe I but also they feared ticket sales would be low with less Channing.