My baloney has a first name ...

For those living under a rock, and thusly, had no clue, tonight (8:30pm; on ABC) is the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, otherwise known as The Oscars.

So, rather than get into any long drawn out analysis about the upcoming events ... the sketchiness of one of the hosts ALSO being a nominee for Best Actor ... or the fact that I'd give ANYTHING to be there live in person right now ... I'll do the next best thing - I'll travel 12 hours into the future and post all the winners for you in the categories that matter.

* Notice how late I'm doing this, so either A) I was being super lazy, B) I didn't want you (and you know who you are) to jack my picks and win your office Oscar pool, or C) Stuff kept coming up ... mostly sandwich related.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Winner: Helena Bonham Carter


Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner  (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids are All Right)
Geoffry Rush (The King's Speech)

Winner: Christian Bale


Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Benning (The Kids are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Winner: Natalie Portman


Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Winner: James Franco


Best Directing
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O. Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel & Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Winner: Darren Aronofsky



Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Winner: The Social Network




There you go folks! Super 100% guaranteed correct Oscar results! Also, keep watch for the point where Jeff Bridges goes feral and starts attacking the other Best Actor nominees ... Jesse Eisenberg, you will be missed. Oh, and set your DVR's till about 2:30am ... this bitch is going LONG!!