Is this a G.I. f'n JOKE?

So G.I. Joe: Retaliation has FINALLY come out and I, for one, ran out to watch it! Was that a "good" idea? ... In a word? - No. In fact, the term "good idea" cannot be attributed in ANY way to ANYTHING involved with this movie.

The film was originally slated to come out last summer, but for undisclosed reasons, the release date for Retaliation got pushed back. That's RARELY an encouraging sign for a movie, but I'm 95% sure it had mostly to do with the cross-promotional advertising exposure they had at their disposal, with the star, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, also headlining WWE Wrestlemania 29 next Sunday.

The story was convoluted and ridiculous. Cobra replaced the President of the U.S. with Zartan, the master of disguise, and he orders the extermination of G.I. Joe, branding them as criminals. The surviving members of the Joe team, led by "the Rock" as Roadblock, now have to uncover the conspiracy and liberate the U.S. government that doesn't even know it has been compromised.

Not enough for ya? Well Cobra also has to mount their own rescue for an imprisoned Cobra Commander, Snake Eyes is on his own mission to capture Storm Shadow and make him answer for his crimes, and on top of that, Cobra has a crazy new super weapon that they're using in tandem with their governmental control in order to bring the entire WORLD to its' knees ...

It felt like 10 separate movies strung together, with all of it just being "uhg". Couldn't care less about anything that was happening. Each character was completely (and literally) summed up in one monologue a piece, explaining their background and their motivation ... Or they did absolutely nothing (Flint may just be the WORST action movie character of all time). You'd think the fight scenes could save it? You'd be wrong. Terrible, and exhausting, and boring ... And don't get me started on Jinx ... and also the shittiness of RZA being in this movie ... for some reason ...

Was there ANYTHING good? Well, "the Rock" was fine, I guess. He always brings a good energy to whatever he's doing. And new addition to team Cobra, the explosives expert, Firefly, had some ok moments ... But, yeah. That's all that can be said for it.

the rating system:

Loved it - one of the best movies I've seen in a long time and worth every cent of the ticket price. I can't state enough how much u need to go see this movie ...

Liked it - it was an enjoyable flick for the most part and I'm glad I watched it. Will I run out to buy it when released on video? ... Probably not.

Leave it - ranging from the truly forgettable to the "wait a minute ... that didn't make any sense" in the 1st 5 minutes after I leave the theater. Basically - a whole lotta nothin.

Loathed it - a movie that literally makes me ANGRY after I exit and for days and weeks after. Angry that I wasted my time and money, and angry that such a piece of shit was ever made and that people actually received payment to do so.

Loathed it. Easy.

Almost NONE of the name talent from the 1st film were present in this sequel, and you can see why. The G.I. Joe world has TONS of characters to make use of, and they used like NONE of them. The direction was sloppy ... Even the costuming was a wasted effort ...

For those who thought the first G.I. Joe flick was "lacking" in many capacities, this one makes the former look like a work of art. Its a shame too. "A sequel to a campy action movie based off an 80's cartoon" ... I mean, the bar was ALREADY set fairly low. It should have been child's play to exceed expectations and pull off at least a modest - "fun and enjoyable enough" experience ... Not even close.

But, now you know ... And knowing is likely to save you some time and cash in the long run.

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BITING First Person AWESOMENESS!!

Well, there isn't TOO much to say about this video, and I don't know much about the folks that posted it, but if you haven't watched it yet, you are going to THANK ME for showing it to you!!

It is basically a quick First Person, Extreme Action Adventure featuring some dude trying to escape from an office with some weird Teleport Device he's attempting to steal from these suited up bad guys. Its a Music Video that looks like the future of video gaming or a virtual reality simulation, but really just some VERY clever and fun film-work done using Parkour and a Go Pro camera.

Anyways - Watch it. Love it. Share with your friends. Its the coolest thing you will see all week.

(FYI - this is actually Part 2 of this little saga. You can find Part 1 pretty easily, but this one is better, and you don't NEED to see the first one in order to follow along)

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Beyonce to her fans: "Kiss My Ass"

Far be it from me to kick dirt on Beyonce ... Everyone knows I can't stand her, so it would be quite easy, typical, and fun for me to do ... But I occasionally surprise every time, and in this situation, I'm kinda NOT %100 against her!!

Ok. For those needing to be brought up to speed, Beyonce recently released a taste of her new song "Bow Down" (or "I Been On", or whatever its called), and its been drawing a bit of heat from fans, critics and whomever, due to the content and tone showcasing the bitchier side of 'Queen B".

Its not one of her better songs and its also not the worst, but for someone who has always sung from the platform of "Girl Power", "Women's Advancement" and "Female Unity", for her to then sing - "I know when you were little girls, you dreamt of being in my world ... Don't forget it, don't forget it ... Respect that. Bow down bitches" ... Well its gonna raise an eyebrow.

It certainly did with fellow R&B singer Keyshia Cole, who took to Twitter to voice her disgust. Cole, who I actually really like a lot, has gone at Beyonce and 'Destiny's children' before, so the two have already had their own share of beef to cook, but Cole hasn't been alone in her disapproval.

So Beyonce feels that the little girls who idolize and emulate her are "bitches" and that they need to bow down? Apparently. But to that I say - So what? ... Maybe they SHOULD bow down!

From the start, my problem with Bey was never her looks (she IS pretty hot) nor her music (some of her songs are very catchy) It was always the deep seeded character of a woman whom I could only see as self-serving and completely disingenuous. But, whatever. What do I know, right?

My favorite example is during a stage performance when bandmate Michelle totally eats the floor. Beyonce barely blinks at the replacement's potential injury ... Even Kelly Rowland (who I also hate) at least ALMOST checks a tiny bit to see if Michelle was ok ...

"Professionalism"? Or "I don't give a shit"?

Anyway, Beyonce is a Carter member ... oops, I mean "Charter Member" of the most powerful clique in Entertainment today. For those that thought that she just happened to the top because she's nice and sweet, and just accidentally fell on the throne as the reigning 'Queen of R&B' due to her grace and humility ... You're fucking stupid.

Beyonce can sing about whatever the hell she wants. Those that don't like it, and are "shocked" and "let down"? You're the ones who put her up on that pedestal in the first place, anointing her as something she's not ... Some kind of "Women's Advocate Icon" .... She's just a singer.

Declaring your #1 spot above everyone else is often part of Hip-Hop and R&B. So why criticize her for what everyone else does, and is the "norm" for her medium? ... Is she supposed to be "better than that"? ... Well, for anyone who actually BELIEVES that, you're EXACTLY the bitches who should be bowing down.

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between a Rock & a hard place ...

Unless you've been living under a rock ... *cough* ... *ahem* ... (sorry about that), you probably know that WWE Superstar turned Hollywood action star, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson has since returned to the company that made him who he is, and has regained the WWE Championship title. This leads him to headline Wrestlemania 29, the "superbowl" of pro-wrestling, on Sunday April 7th in a title match against John Cena.

There is no doubt that the return of sports entertainment's biggest star is a huge draw and equates to larger ratings for the weekly WWE programing and ideally inflated sales for the Wrestlemania event, but there seems to be a growing shift in favor AGAINST the Rock, due to his apparent lack of commitment to the WWE Universe.

the signs say it all!

The Rock doesn't NEED to be back in the WWE. We all know this. He's back cuz he loves the business and loves the fans, which is great. However. the wrestling world is funny place. Fans have blind uncontested love for their favorites, but have expectations that go along with that love, and god help you if you cross them ... One of those expectations is being PRESENT and available week after week. Stars like Cena and CM Punk "prove" their dedication week-in and week-out, all year long.

When the Rock, or anyone else, floats back into the company after a 10 year absence, is awarded the highest title in the business, and only shows up maybe once or twice a month, people can't help but take exception ... Particularly when it starts to be viewed as nothing more than a platform to promote his new movie. (G.I. Joe)

Most rational people recognize the complexities of trying to be an active and consistent presence on a weekly live event that takes no breaks as well as honoring commitments to a movie studio that is signing your checks, so they don't HATE the Rock for his absence ... That being said, his "part-timed-ness"is not EVER going to change, and his in-ring show ability just ain't what it was in his younger days. Wrestling fans want what they want, and its undeniable that more of them than ever are calling for "People's Champ" to gracefully hang up his tights, once and for all.

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Jeselnik: Biting off More than he can Chew?

If you haven't heard yet, hurry and take a look/listen before it gets buried ... Anthony Jeselnik - comedian and host of Comedy Central's newest comedy series/ late night weekly talk show, The Jeselnik Offensive, may have already stepped in it ... and only in like his 4th episode out ....

Ok. A quick little catch up for what went down - a man by the name of Adam Strange was killed in New Zealand a couple weeks back by a shark attack. Jeselnik, as the title of his show indicates, holds little to nothing back, per his comedy style, in order to shock and offend. So, not only did he make light of the tragedy, he devoted an entire skit called "Shark Party", complete with a song & dance number, to celebrate the event.

"Too far"? That's what a lot of people feel, as throughout the bit a bloody surfer parades around the stage while Jeselnik gets a lap dance from a "sexy female shark" ... Here's the video:

Some of his controversial comments included:

"So when a shark kills a man, you gotta give thanks!" 

"And lets not forget the man that made this all possible ... Smile, you son of a bitch!"

What is interesting is that Comedy Central has yet to remove this clip from Youtube (if its still there by the time you are reading this) ... Perhaps they are playing by the age old adage - "Any publicity is GOOD publicity"?

With notoriously edgy shows like South Park and Tosh.0, Comedy Central is no stranger to controversy when their talent inevitably crosses that line of decency that will have viewers and critics demanding everything from apologies to cancellation of the offending program. Thus, I'm quite certain they already have the situation well in hand, as far as spinning this latest transgression in their favor.

There is also a response video circulating, of an offended New Zealander calling the COO of Viacom to register his disdain:

Whatever the fallout, and whichever side you stand on, Anthony Jeselnik is definitely making a name for himself. I'm quite certain this won't be the last time that viewers will be demanding his head on a plate.

The Jeselnik Offensive airs Tuesdays @ 10:30pm on Comedy Central.

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Following 'THE FOLLOWING' on FOX ...

Have you been keeping up? I have, from the very start, and although noticing SOME problems with the show from the get-go, I had HOPES for Fox's new thriller, The Following, starring Kevin Bacon as broken, former FBI agent Ryan Hardy, to find some improvement over time ... But is has NOT. ... Let's discuss ... Shall we?

Its not QUITE the "torture porn" that one friend warned me it was gonna be, yet it does have its graphic moments ... But I don't really care about that. I care if a 'crime thriller' about an FBI agent trying to catch a Serial Killer and his murderous cult disciples is going to be interesting, compelling, and exciting or not ... And, unfortunately, it just refuses to be any of those things.

First - the painfully redundant images, quotes, and references to Edgar Allan Poe that serves as the inspiration and motivation for arch-villain Joe Carroll, played by James Purefoy ... (they hammer it into viewers' heads every 10 seconds so that they'll never forget it ...) *Yawn* and corny.

Next, none of the characters have ANY personality other than the most basic and archetypical, regardless of HOW many layers the writers ATTEMPT to paint on them. Isn't there a rule against one character having to VOCALIZE what another character's personality is, just so the viewers get it?

My main problem with the show is that it just isn't smart. They say the 'the measure of a hero is based the magnitude of his opposition or the obstacles they must overcome' ... The Following is thee most inept 'cop show' you have ever seen. The FBI, the police, and every other branch of law enforcement on the show are eye-rollingly ineffective. They cannot do ANYTHING right, making it that much easier for the villains to always be one step ahead, coming off as that much more genius with their plans.

Every character consistently makes all the worst decisions possible. Nobody EVER sends backup, or backup is always 10-15 minutes too far away ... People break out of prison or sneak through dragnets like nothing when the home or building is surrounded ... No matter how many innocents the bad guys kidnap and kill, officers will always announce themselves and point their guns at them first, instead of just shooting and ending the insanity ... (the villain then usually has time to escape or turn the tables and kill the good guy) ...

How many more NEW people will they show each week in a flashback, visiting Joe Carroll in prison, that turns out to be one of his 'followers'? Yet for some reason, the FBI (for gods sake) can't nail down or even identify any of these people that have been having private, unmonitored conversations and visits with this convicted serial killer for 8 years right under their noses.

So then you might say - "Well, EJ, if cops did everything RIGHT all the time, they would catch the bad guys too fast and then there wouldn't be any show!"

And I say to you - "Shut up and go bury your head back in the sand." If you have to make characters stupid and continually do the implausible in order to advance the plot, then you suck as a writer. You're supposed make the good guys capable, competent, and have them make all the right moves, and THEN you concentrate on sculpting the bad guys as still being able to outwit them ... Not only outwitting the protagonists, but also outsmarting the audience, which is what 'thriller' viewers want. Otherwise? What's the point?

Take a show like Hawaii Five-0 - maybe not the most intellectual cop drama on TV, but Steve and Danny are always on top of any situation on hand. They track people, make use of any and every form of video surveillance from traffic cams to local store security monitors ... Hack computers, utilize forensics, and call in police, U.S. Marshals, the Coast Guard, etc. for support when needed ... Basically everything you'd EXPECT that a group like the FBI would be able to do on The Following ... but doesn't, because ... Well, the writers would then need to find a way to make the villains smarter ... instead of just "telling the audience that they are".

I could just go on forever with my frustrations over this show (already feels like I have) , ... I mean, we all love Kevin Bacon, but he, everyone, and everything else on The Following is just so empty. They waste so much time to trying to establish a feeling and mood for the show ... only to wind up with nothing else of substance.

Is it possible that I'm just still missing a former FOX show, and taking my pain out on The Following? ... Remember "24"? Can't help but feel CTU super agent, Jack Bauer, would have wrapped this whole thing up with the quickness ... Broken a few people's necks in the process, maybe? ... Ah, thems were the good ol' days ... Whatever.

The Following airs Monday nights @ 9pm on FOX.

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Does LATE NIGHT need Nikki & Sara?

If you haven't heard of them yet, I bet you never will, but Nikki Glaser (the blonde) and Sara Schaefer (the 4-eyes) host a "new?" late night talk show on MTV called Nikki & Sara Live. It airs only Tuesday nights at 11pm, and it feels like a test run for something the young adult network used to be good at and probably does need to re-explore ... So ... "Is it any GOOD?" ... in a word? - Hell Fuckin' No.

These girls DO have chemistry. I'll give them that. And they SHOULD, as they've co-hosted a weekly podcast together for some time called You Had to be There which gained a following and thus yielded Nikki & Sara Live. They've obv studied "Late Night 101", making light of and taking shots at celebrities and anyone making recent headlines for their opening segment. They follow with a sketch or a real on the street interview about some inane topic, and finally round it all off with some random celebrity guest ... This week was J-Woww ... *cough* ...

The problem is that Nikki and Sara, who are SUPPOSED to be actual comedians, are not funny at all ... AT ALL. Their continual attempt at that "dry/deadpan humor" you'd find in the classic SNL News segments, is nothing short of embarrassing to watch. They seem to be desperately trying to channel Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but even when they DON'T flub their jokes (which is rare), the delivery just falls flat ... each and every single time. It's sad.

The show is only on once a week, so even at their most topical, they're not funnier than, say, Anthony Jeselnik (who hosts a similar/better weekly 30 min show "The Jeselnik Offensive" Tuesday nights on Comedy Central), and they'll forever be late to the game, with TMZ having already given you all the celeb gossip a week prior.

I feel there's ALWAYS room for another 'Late Night Talker'. As varying as the audience is out there, there's always a new voice that can speak to them. But if you're not going to reinvent the wheel, at least be funny. If you are unable to provide anything unique or compelling, at least be genuine ... Nikki & Sara hit NONE of these marks, so even at 30 minutes a week, it is a complete waste of time. Nice try MTV, but don't give up. You'll get it right again, one of these days.


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